So, after the holidays, I was feeling bloated and groggy and slow and completely yukky, and our yoga instructor offered a cleanse that would help reset your body, remove toxins, and help your health immensely.
It's part of Alexandar Jungar's program, and we follow his book,
Clean: A Revolutionary Program to Restore the Body's Natural Ability to Heal Itself.
Count me in, I said. So I order the book (which doesn't come until I'm 3 days into the cleanse because 89 other people in town have hit the bookstores before me. No biggie. I go to the informational meeting and learn that I will be basically starting over with food and drinks.
No processed foods. Good. I know how bad they are for you.
No dairy. Aw. I love milk. And cheese. And yogurt. And butter! And ice cream. Wow. What a sacrifice.
No sugar. Ouch, that could be bad, but in grad school I managed to cut out a lot of fluff from my diet and I was the healthiest and in the best shape of my life. I'm getting exciting thinking I might return to those days of health, vitality and of course, a size 6.
No alcohol. Umm. Okay, well I don't really drink that much anyway. I mean, when I do drink, it's usually only 2 beers, or 2 glasses of wine. Although on New Years Eve alone I had two margaritas, 2 beers and cava at midnight. Alright. I can do this. It's only for 21 days, right?
No caffeeine. What??!! Well, let me think about this. I don't know if I have ever gone without coffee for more than a day. Nope. I haven't. I've drunk coffee since I was 16. Okay. I'm strong. I can handle this. It's only for 21 days, right? I will live through this. I will miss the coffee though.
Since I didn't have the book, and was still full of hubris, I decided not to start the elimination diet 3 days before starting the cleanse. This is when you cut out, one at a time, coffee, alcohol, sugar, and whatever food addictions you have that may be on the no no list before you begin removing all the foods you love to eat. And some of those foods are probably addictions too. Like bread. Yum. Which I am also not allowed to have.
I was cheeky, that pre-cleanse weekend, drinking bowls of coffee with lots of cream and sugar, eating whatever I wanted, and snacking. My friends gave me lists of approved foods and lists of foods to avoid. Almost all of the foods on the avoid list comprised my diet.
But thankfully I read the approved list and found I was doing at least a few things right: fresh fruits, fresh vegetables, all organic, and all minimally processed or prepared for eating. Okay. Now it's time for some new grains like quinoa, amaranth, wild or brown rice, and I can keep eating carrots, broccoli, avacados...I can do this. Organic chicken, lamb, wild game--bison, duck, cold water fish, salmon, halibut, trout. Okay. Sounds so hippy and yummy. I've been wanting to do this for a while, to keep my kids healthier too, and to open up Maisey's very narrow list of palatable foods.
I also signed up too for the meals to be prepared by a local chef, who was going to provide a vegan lunch and dinner for 6 days of each week. We cleansers take care of breakfast and all meals on Sunday. Now this will make it easy! Or should I say doable. Since I have never made quinoa, I think a jump start from the chef is necessary. He will also open my mind about recipes and ways to prepare foods I never really cared for, like dates and beets, kale and lima beans. Yech.
So as prescribed, I hit the organic produce section of Krogers only to find it decimated by the previous 89 Cleansers. No organic fruits, veggies, poultry, game meats, crackers, grains. So I went to the nutrition store down the way and they at least had the protein powder and fiber powder. No probiotics. Okay, I have some stuff at least for my first shake in the morning.
So I was all set, except for the book, and bright and early Monday morning I didn't drink coffee. I had green tea with stevia. Which tasted like ass.
I miss my coffee.
I had my first breakfast, a shake of fresh blueberries, chocolate protein powder, tasteless fiber powder, ice, almond milk, and water. It had a hint of chocolate flavor, so I drank it.
I had a slight headache Tuesday, but I got through the day. But I had had a slight headache for almost a week now, so I wasn't worried. It was a lot like the spinal headache when I had Evie, only "light" enough that I could still function.
Mostly.
At about 4:30 on Tuesday evening (Day 2 of the Cleanse), my head, exploded with pain from the base of my skull all through my head, as if it was shooting out through my eyes. Top that with periodic hot and cold chills, and nausea, and I was down for the count.
And Clint was out of town for the week. At first I thought this was good, I could go light on everyone's meals and get the hang of this cleanse. But it was Tuesday night and I was home alone with 2 girls, who needed to do homework and be fed, and to be bathed and put to bed. And I couldn't lift my body off the sofa. It was excruciating.
Maisey saved the day. Both girls were awesome--taking care of each other themselves, and me. They kept giving hugs and kisses, and Maisey helped Evie get into her PJs and go to bed. I went to bed with them. It was 8:30, and I had already decided that Maisey would not be going to school the next day if I felt even half of the pain I felt then.
Who knew coffee addiction was as horrible as crack?
Anyway, Day 3 dawned with no headache. I was afraid to get out of bed lest any movement made it return. But it didn't. I got up, had some green tea, started the girls on their morning routine, and away we went to school. I even felt well enough to run errands with Evie, who preferred to dress for the occasion, and attend the yoga session that evening and the support group afterwards. In 24 hours I went from severe addiction incapacitation to a yoga session was a miracle. Maybe I can do this after all.
