Thirteen days and counting. I'm exhausted, excited, and nervous now. Like the first time I was pregnant, I suddenly realized that this baby was going to come out, whether I liked it or not. I was suddenly very afraid of the onset of labor, terrified of the unknown. How will I live through all that pain? Of course Maisey came via c-section, not naturally, and I felt like I escaped with relative ease. But now I'm a little worried about another c-section. IVs and epidurals, carving me up as if my belly were a huge jack-o-lantern. But at least I know what to expect, right?
Except things don't feel the same at all. I know every pregnancy is different. But this one is as different from the last as it could be. I'm a walking zombie, and I'm getting about 7-8 hours of sleep a night. Most of this baby's movements cause discomfort or pain, so it's hard to enjoy the arm or foot swimming across my stomach when it makes me nauseous, or jabs an organ, or stretches my already stretched uterus. And I've reached my tolerance of the ever-increasing indigestion. Now I understand why some women lose weight in the last couple of weeks--eating causes so much pain that I don't want to eat again until the baby's born. But 13 days is too long to go without eating anything. So I'll take one (every time I eat something) for the team.
My biggest worry is that I'll actually go into labor before the scheduled c-section. I'm tired and cranky, but at least I know when this will be over, and my niece and mom will be here, as planned, to help out. Most women--God bless them--wait and wait until labor begins, whenever that may be. No planning there. I should feel very lucky that I know what's in store for me. I'm doing my best to just follow the routine for the next two weeks, biding my time. But every pain, every contraction, gives me pause.
The one thing I'm really worried about is how we're going to manage the change. Maisey is the big unknown. How is she going to handle Mommy being in the hospital? Will she behave for Nanny and Jamie? How is she going to greet her new sister? Will she want to pet this baby the way she does all the other babies she sees? Will she be jealous when she sees Mommy nursing, or Daddy cuddling the new baby? How will we handle her reactions? I hope I have enough love and patience (and sleep) to manage all the new challenges that will surely be heading my way. I guess this is normal too, though I see my friends with two or more children and everything seems so comfortable, so easy. I don't see the doubt or worry in them that is so apparent with me.
I guess I keep coming back to the same thought: If there's one constant in parenting, it's change. Everything changes. My only preparation is to be open, and take each day as it comes.
When Amelia was born, I left I typed list, 3 pages long, for our parents. I was terrified of leaving Madeline at home during my hospital stay. I wrote out her daily schedule, hour by hour, and covered everything down to cutting up her grapes. I laugh now, and I am SURE they were laughing then. My typed instructions were only a page when I left them behind to go have Charlotte. I guess I have loosened up a little. :)
ReplyDeleteEvery child deals differently. Madeline COMPLETELY ignored Amelia. Her world didn't change at all, she never was jealous but she never even gave her a second glance. It was bizarre.
Amelia smothered Charlotte and still wants to be in her face at all times. Madeline told me that she thought that we should all love the baby more than each other because "she is a baby." She was offended when I told her that I loved them all equal.
My biggest fear was something, at the time, would not dare say out loud... I was afraid that I wouldn't love the baby as much as I loved Madeline. And you know what... three days after the baby was born, I still had a little bit of that fear hanging on. Don't worry it happened quickly, I was totally head over heals. I think it all stemmed from this protection instinct that I had for Madeline. I wanted to make sure she was OK before I gave myself totally to the baby. Don't get me wrong, I would have done anything in the world for that baby from second I knew she was there. But there was this little compartment that Madeline had in my heart that I just wasn't ready to share with anyone else.
All I am really trying to say is that it is never as easy as it seems from the outside. You will figure it all out as it comes.
Thanks for sharing! It's just what I needed to hear. I need to feel like what I'm going through is normal, or at least I'm not the only one going through it. Maisey already occupies so much space in my heart, I never want her to feel like there is any less love for her.
ReplyDeleteHow funny that I have a schedule printed for my mom and niece! They may laugh at me when they see it. Thanks again! You're are a great source of wisdom!