Hands in the Face

It's a fun little term my friend and I use to describe mommy overload on days when well, there's just too much going on.

What it looks like:

You see me standing before you and you're talking to me, while my kids are dancing around like banshees or heathens at some sacred ritual, shouting and laughing (or crying and whining), tugging at my arms, or waving some kind of toy around, usually one they don't own yet, and are trying to get me to buy for them.

What it sounds like:

A freight train, a trumpeting herd of elephants, a rock concert, complete with fireworks, and at least one tiny voice--it could be the person speaking to me, or it could just be my own inner self whimpering for help.

What it is:

It's a lot like shell shock--that condition soldiers get when they're in the thick of battle and suddenly it becomes too much. They're standing there, looking around at the carnage; there's probably ringing in their ears, yet they can't hear or at least take in any of the sights and sounds around them. That's Hands In The Face--only without the violence.

How do I deal with it? I shut down. I cancel things, like appointments and play dates. I snap for the kids to pack up and go, no matter where we are. Although sometimes I just stand there, slack jawed and stare for a few minutes, unable to do anything.

So if you see me--or any mom--standing there, slack jawed, not reprimanding her screaming kids, or if she's ignoring you, have a little compassion. We probably have hands in the face.

Cleanse Day 18: I'm Afraid of Food

It's Day 18 and I feel great. I've lost weight and two people have said I look good--healthy glowing skin, and I look 10 years younger. I've enjoyed the yoga and support groups, and especially the 12 meals a week prepared by a chef. I'm really hopeful that I can keep the healthy lifestyle going. But there are only 3 days left of the cleanse.

And I'm afraid of all that food out there in the real world.

First, I'm afraid of coffee. I want coffee. The teas just aren't satisfying like the coffee was, and I'm sure still is. Once the cleans is over I'll add honey to my tea, but if that doesn't help, it's back to coffee I go, knowing that I will be it's slave forever if that happens.

And bread. Though all the Clean book's discussion of wheat and sugars have turned me off of bread, I think I'm going to expand my horizons and make more of my own with some alternative ingredients. I love bread. And if there's one thing I like about cooking, it's the ability to experiment. I'm sure I can find a brown rice bread, or another acceptable grain to use instead of wheat. And if they don't cut the mustard, I'll make my own crusty, soft white bread, or my beloved Irish soda bread. These breads have just 4 ingredients. Maybe I can substitute grains and buttermilk and come up with a healthier alternative. But I just can't live without bread.

I haven't craved anything else, except maybe some chocolate. That I can handle with the organics at the co-op. I don't see how a little dark chocolate here and there is a bad thing, right?

Cleanse Day 14: Coming Clean

Okay Okay! On Cleanse Day 13 I cheated. It couldn't be helped. I scheduled a much needed date night with my hubby and we planned for dinner and a movie. At least he planned for dinner. I planned for a bowl of pureed vegetables and legumes and a movie. :) But for some reason, I didn't have time to prepare dinner (read: nuke the asparagus soup from the Cleanse Diet). So off we went in search of a restaurant that would have something I could eat. Or slurp. Dinner is supposed to be liquid.

I told him the mall was out, because there's absolutely nothing in there that I could eat without totally blowing the Cleanse. So we opted for a later movie and went across town to Chilis, where my mouth was actually watering for some guacamole. Now I don't know what is in guacamole, besides avacado and lemon, but theirs is yummy. When I got there, they had no such side dish I could enjoy. No soups either. Everything had tomatoes or cheese, or both, and I was really trying hard not to cheat. It would have to be a solid meal, so hopefully I could find something close to a clean meal.

Mango & Avacado Chicken with steamed broccoli. It was divine. I ate it all. Didn't touch the rice. Didn't touch the pico de gallo on the side either. And I felt so guilty, but it was so nice to have a real dinner with my husband, and have a real conversation to go with it.

And then the punishment: my stomach was bloated! And the gurgling and noises it made! And when I went to bed that night I didn't sleep nearly as well as I have been. I think returning to "real" food after this cleanse is going to be an eye opener. I don't want to just bloat back to where I was. Where's the health benefit in that?

Clint has noticed a change in me. I have lost weight--maybe 10 pounds at most--and he can hardly keep his hands and eyes off me now. I like sleeping like a log at night. It's a heavy, regenerative sleep that can be very addictive. And speaking of addictions. How can I go back to drinking coffee after the horrible day of detox I had just 11 days ago?

I am still struggling with wanting to snack, but I think it's more about breaking habits than being hungry. I just don't know how much more busy I can make myself to cope with it. I planned the entire week of reading and activities for Maisey's first grade class last week for Author's Week. And there were some snafus, mostly because my planning skills are rusty, and partly because I'm human, and I'm constantly interrupted by two little humans who need me, especially when I'm on the phone, the computer, or cooking.

Rock Buddy samples for a school craft.

And one of those little snafus has landed me in an awkward and tense situation with another parent in Maisey's class. Just what I need. Tension there. It was an unintentional oversight, and she was rude and condescending when I apologized. And being on the cleanse and my period, I was way more sensitive to it. I graduated from high school twenty-somthing years ago. I don't intend to relive it through my daughter's school years. I think I'm going to be able to put it behind me and move on, albeit a lot less cordially with this person, who seemed to show a vicious and rather narcicistic side. It makes me sad that there's any negativity associated with my volunteering at Maisey's school. But like everything, it's a learning and growing experience for me, so I'm embracing it.

Anyway, now I feel clean again.

Cleanse Day 10

Day 10 of the Cleanse has dawned. I guess I'm caffeine free--or almost since I can have green tea and yerba mate which both have small amounts of caffeine. I feel pretty good, but I get tired around 4 pm. I haven't seen a huge difference in my weight, but my husband has. And that's a good thing.

But there are other pros to this cleanse:

I love the clarity of mind I'm experiencing. It usually took two bowls of coffee and about an hour before I could begin to think. But now I find I can wake up and begin planning, thinking, doing. It's pretty nice. Also, I've noticed that my vision is better in the mornings. It's not so blurry and useless, which might be why I drank so much coffee, waiting for my engine to warm up.

I am not sniffly, itchy eyed and stuffy nosed. And I don't have the sinus phlegm (gross, I know!) that I had before. That makes me so happy!

But the biggest plus so far has been my periods are better. It is on time, and not a runaway freight train, if you know what I mean. I can only assume that the foods I was eating before were contributing to that problem too. and why not.

The cons: I'm tired in the afternoons, but that's manageable. I am still craving things I shouldn't eat--chocolate, sugary stuff, bread. But I'm thinking some of that is habit. And the fact that it's still right there in front of me because my husband and kids are NOT on this diet. At least they're not taunting me with foods, like my friend's kids are. But it's very hard to eat a bowl of black bean pureed soup (that looked like diarrhea) when your family is eating breaded chicken and rice. Anyway, the soup was delicious, just unappealing to look at. And I seem to want more flavor profiles than tangy/bitter. I don't like vinegary tasting foods very much, and coating my favorite vegetables in them makes it harder for me to eat them. I also like savory flavors, and sweet/tart flavors, and...now I'm ready for my shake.

I really want to start collecting some clean recipes for after the cleanse, so that it'll be easier to continue. I find them refreshing, and having the freedom to make them myself with ingredients I enjoy might help me get the rest of the family to eat them too. We'll see. One step at a time, I think.

The Cleanse

So, after the holidays, I was feeling bloated and groggy and slow and completely yukky, and our yoga instructor offered a cleanse that would help reset your body, remove toxins, and help your health immensely. It's part of Alexandar Jungar's program, and we follow his book, Clean: A Revolutionary Program to Restore the Body's Natural Ability to Heal Itself.

Count me in, I said. So I order the book (which doesn't come until I'm 3 days into the cleanse because 89 other people in town have hit the bookstores before me. No biggie. I go to the informational meeting and learn that I will be basically starting over with food and drinks.

No processed foods. Good. I know how bad they are for you.

No dairy. Aw. I love milk. And cheese. And yogurt. And butter! And ice cream. Wow. What a sacrifice.

No sugar. Ouch, that could be bad, but in grad school I managed to cut out a lot of fluff from my diet and I was the healthiest and in the best shape of my life. I'm getting exciting thinking I might return to those days of health, vitality and of course, a size 6.

No alcohol. Umm. Okay, well I don't really drink that much anyway. I mean, when I do drink, it's usually only 2 beers, or 2 glasses of wine. Although on New Years Eve alone I had two margaritas, 2 beers and cava at midnight. Alright. I can do this. It's only for 21 days, right?

No caffeeine. What??!! Well, let me think about this. I don't know if I have ever gone without coffee for more than a day. Nope. I haven't. I've drunk coffee since I was 16. Okay. I'm strong. I can handle this. It's only for 21 days, right? I will live through this. I will miss the coffee though.

Since I didn't have the book, and was still full of hubris, I decided not to start the elimination diet 3 days before starting the cleanse. This is when you cut out, one at a time, coffee, alcohol, sugar, and whatever food addictions you have that may be on the no no list before you begin removing all the foods you love to eat. And some of those foods are probably addictions too. Like bread. Yum. Which I am also not allowed to have.

I was cheeky, that pre-cleanse weekend, drinking bowls of coffee with lots of cream and sugar, eating whatever I wanted, and snacking. My friends gave me lists of approved foods and lists of foods to avoid. Almost all of the foods on the avoid list comprised my diet.

But thankfully I read the approved list and found I was doing at least a few things right: fresh fruits, fresh vegetables, all organic, and all minimally processed or prepared for eating. Okay. Now it's time for some new grains like quinoa, amaranth, wild or brown rice, and I can keep eating carrots, broccoli, avacados...I can do this. Organic chicken, lamb, wild game--bison, duck, cold water fish, salmon, halibut, trout. Okay. Sounds so hippy and yummy. I've been wanting to do this for a while, to keep my kids healthier too, and to open up Maisey's very narrow list of palatable foods.

I also signed up too for the meals to be prepared by a local chef, who was going to provide a vegan lunch and dinner for 6 days of each week. We cleansers take care of breakfast and all meals on Sunday. Now this will make it easy! Or should I say doable. Since I have never made quinoa, I think a jump start from the chef is necessary. He will also open my mind about recipes and ways to prepare foods I never really cared for, like dates and beets, kale and lima beans. Yech.

So as prescribed, I hit the organic produce section of Krogers only to find it decimated by the previous 89 Cleansers. No organic fruits, veggies, poultry, game meats, crackers, grains. So I went to the nutrition store down the way and they at least had the protein powder and fiber powder. No probiotics. Okay, I have some stuff at least for my first shake in the morning.

So I was all set, except for the book, and bright and early Monday morning I didn't drink coffee. I had green tea with stevia. Which tasted like ass.

I miss my coffee.

I had my first breakfast, a shake of fresh blueberries, chocolate protein powder, tasteless fiber powder, ice, almond milk, and water. It had a hint of chocolate flavor, so I drank it.

I had a slight headache Tuesday, but I got through the day. But I had had a slight headache for almost a week now, so I wasn't worried. It was a lot like the spinal headache when I had Evie, only "light" enough that I could still function.

Mostly.

At about 4:30 on Tuesday evening (Day 2 of the Cleanse), my head, exploded with pain from the base of my skull all through my head, as if it was shooting out through my eyes. Top that with periodic hot and cold chills, and nausea, and I was down for the count.

And Clint was out of town for the week. At first I thought this was good, I could go light on everyone's meals and get the hang of this cleanse. But it was Tuesday night and I was home alone with 2 girls, who needed to do homework and be fed, and to be bathed and put to bed. And I couldn't lift my body off the sofa. It was excruciating.

Maisey saved the day. Both girls were awesome--taking care of each other themselves, and me. They kept giving hugs and kisses, and Maisey helped Evie get into her PJs and go to bed. I went to bed with them. It was 8:30, and I had already decided that Maisey would not be going to school the next day if I felt even half of the pain I felt then.

Who knew coffee addiction was as horrible as crack?

Anyway, Day 3 dawned with no headache. I was afraid to get out of bed lest any movement made it return. But it didn't. I got up, had some green tea, started the girls on their morning routine, and away we went to school. I even felt well enough to run errands with Evie, who preferred to dress for the occasion, and attend the yoga session that evening and the support group afterwards. In 24 hours I went from severe addiction incapacitation to a yoga session was a miracle. Maybe I can do this after all.

The Broken Ring

About two years ago my wedding ring broke. At first I thought something was stuck under my ring, but when I finally looked, I saw that it had split right in half, and the two sides sometimes caught my skin between them, pinching me. I showed my husband, who was concerned. He didn't want me to lose my ring, so I took both the engagement ring and wedding band off, because they were separate pieces that fit together, and wearing one looked incomplete to me. After wearing it for 6 years, it felt weird not wearing my wedding ring.

He said he'd fix it right away. So I put the ring in my jewelry box and waited.

And waited.

The longer I waited for him to fix it, the more angry and resentful I became. I began to think it wasn't important enough for him to take care of, and after a while, I thought he just didn't care.

That one thing, my one request that he put off for months, made me seethe inside. Every day it was there, in the back of my mind, nagging at me. Why couldn't he just fix it? How long am I going to have to wait for him to do something about it? The whole situation became a metaphor for our marriage. I wasn't important enough; what I wanted didn't matter; he didn't make time for me; I'm tired of waiting for him.

I waited 6 months before I finally decided to fix it myself. Almost defiantly (I was thinking, I'll show him!) I took the ring to a local jeweler who said they could repair it in a week's time. No trouble with the engraving? None. I was happy with that arrangement, but still angry with my husband.

When I returned a week later the ring was like new again. The white gold on the band gleamed. Every line of the engraving was perfect. The diamond sparkled. It made me remember how he said he'd searched for over a year for the perfect diamond, and perfect setting. I slid it into place in the familiar indentation of my finger. It still fit me perfectly.

For the longest time I was actually angry at having to do it for myself. And then I realized what a ninny I was. I am an intelligent, educated woman. I am perfectly capable of doing for myself. So why shouldn't I? But I kept telling myself his inaction meant that he didn't care, or that I wasn't important.

The broken ring really was a metaphor for our marriage. It seemed to be breaking down. I wanted him to change it, to fix it. But it wasn't all up to him. The ring wasn't pinching him. It was pinching me.

You know those conversations (or arguments) you have with yourself in the shower, in the twilight of sleep, in your daydreams while you're washing dishes, or folding laundry. Those conversations in my head shaped my moods, my actions. I lost myself in my own thoughts, and he had no idea what was wrong. He knew I was angry. He knew I was unhappy. He thought I was just cagey with my stay-at-home life.

I was losing myself. It was gradual, my realization, but that awakening saved me a lot of grief. I could see it leading us apart.I think it saved my marriage. I know it changed how I look at things, and certainly how I react.

So when little things pinch me now, I let him know. So we can talk about it together. And a lot of times, I take care of things myself.

It's Been Merry

We got through it with flying colors. And wrapping paper. This was the first Christmas in recent memory that we have spent the whole week before Christmas and especially the big day at home. And it was glorious!

I read an article that the retail industry experienced disappointing sales this holiday season. They may think it's lack of consumer confidence, but in our family, it was focusing on what was important. We've implemented the 3 gift rule for the kids--three from mom & dad, 3 from Santa, one gift for each other (the kids), and one for each of us. That might sound like a lot, and maybe it is, and it will probably be even less next year. Because I know that a single thoughtful gift means so much more than having a bunch of stuff under the tree.

What Matters

Clint and I finally hit a wall for the thoughtful gift surprise. At one point he shook his head and said, "If there's anything you want, just tell me, because I'm at a loss as to what to get you."

Honestly, I said, I don't really want anything. I already have everything I need and want. And it may sound hokey, but I don't need or want the latest and greatest. I enjoy my first generation Nook reader; my wardrobe could use some help, but that can only improve with the loss of about 15-20 pounds; I have a good working camera, computer, iPod, a new car, a house we are working to improve (and be proud of our hard work), and we have each other. And aside from spending more time together and as a family, I want for nothing. So I asked for the only thing I could think of: A set of bongos.

After an arched eyebrow, I said I was serious. I want to make music with the girls. It will improve dance time immensely. He nodded.

Clint has always been one to get what he wants, and since he's a gadget man, and knows them better than I do, he buys what he wants, like noise cancelling headphones, the iPod, the digital cameras, xBox Kinnect, you get the idea. So I stay away from that stuff, but what does it leave? Practical things, like travel mugs, wallets, and khaki pants. Stuff that make us both cringe. This year, he asked for a globe. So I got him an internet updatable, interactive globe. He's been travelling so much, he wanted to show the kids where he's going, and this globe goes a step further, talking about capitals, anthems, history, and much more.

Aside from downsizing the number of gifts, I want to continue reducing the amount of waste. I wrap a few gifts, but our stockings are stuffed with unwrapped gifts; I use and reuse gift bags and tissue paper. Even Santa is green, reusing felt gift bags every year--he even reuses the gift tags. Let's face it: the girls, and even Clint don't remember what the wrap looks like, because I've been reusing Santa's bags for 3 years now.

Wrapping (and not wrapping) frees me up to prep the turkey on Christmas Eve so that I could enjoy the girls in the morning instead of being in the kitchen. And it was awesome to hear Clint playing with the girls, even if they were running around the house like banshees.

Crumpet Goes Home

It was a relief to send Crumpet the Elf back to his home. Thanks to Pinterest and other overachievers, the bar for the Elf on the Shelf is ever higher, and I'm not certain I'm going to stay in that race. On several days he was found in the same place as the previous day, and once--perched as he was over the curtain rod behind our tree--he nearly toppled in front of the kids when I pulled open the curtain. Maisey screamed not to touch him as I reached up to steady him. It was a moment of dread that I shouldn't have to feel, really. But he's back in the North Pole, and I'm sure by the time he returns next year I'll be excited and once again will surely over plan the entire month. And yes, I've already pinned a few Elf on the Shelf websites on Pinterest.

Being Thankful

I am thankful to my hubby for helping out with Crumpet this year. And so thankful we got to spend a week at home before travelling to see family. I felt much more relaxed and happy, and when we did travel, visiting was much more enjoyable.

On Facebook, a lot of people wrote little things they were grateful for each day to commemorate Thanksgiving. But I'm thankful for the week at home with my family. The greatest gift of all is life. Second to that is enjoying it with loved ones.

And now I look forward to making some awesome music with my new set of bongos.