Rest in Peace Miss Kitty

I knew when I met you in 1999 that you were special. I was eating a bagel at the little coffee shop across from my work when you siddled up to me and sat down, daintily flicking your tail out behind you. You were begging for a bite of my bagel, and I obliged. You looked hungry, and determined. You were such a strong cat. Able to fend for yourself, and still look like a sweet little kitten, even though you were over two years old.
I remember your first week at your new home at Clint's, when you were sleeping at the foot of the bed, snoring as if you hadn't ever slept. And then the sound of birds twittering around the open window at the head of the bed, you were across the bed and out the window and back inside with a bird in your mouth. What skill!
I remember when you surveyed your new territory, swatting your giant Hemmingway paws at an intruder cat while running full speed on just your hind legs.
And when you first met Pickle, how you literally scared him down the steps.
I remember how tough it was to share that tiny pink house with Puddy and Pickle, but you perservered, and carved out a territory for yourself, always happy.
I will miss your head snuffles and snuggling on my chest with one paw stretched up over my shoulder. I will miss your little meow greetings, and sleeping on my hair.
You caught so many mice and moles and birds, and rolled and sunned yourself to your heart's content on the back deck, and wherever you are now, I hope you get to enjoy all of your favorite things and more. I miss you very much. We all do.

Deprived

How long can I go on 5 1/2 hours sleep? Two days? Three? I'm so tired, I can barely keep my eyes and mind focused. My body is dragging. I just want to crawl back into bed and sleep, but of course my crawling baby and unpredictable 4 year old send me into overdrive. Can't have one falling off the bed, or eating one of Maisey's many choking hazard toys, or the other jumping on the bed and who knows what else. I look forward to nap time, but the rub is that they both have to nap so that I can too. That rarely happens.

There are only two weeks till school starts, and then we'll see if I'm a master planner, or a train wreck. The summer has been spent relaxing our schedule and now it's catching up with me. Once school starts though, I'm anxious to see if I'll actually get to yoga every week, if the once a month riding lesson will actually happen, or if my children's needs will once again call me back to the reality of my existence: I am here to meet their needs first. And I'm okay with that. That's my job. My life. I just wish I could build some more hours into the day so I can sleep.

PMDD and Plans

I have PMDD. At least I have all the symptoms, according to a medical website. So it's not menopause, which is good. I'm too young for menopause anyway. PMDD is some kind of PMS on crack. Irritability, mood swings, depression, and other fun symptoms means that I'm a wreck. The best way to combat it? No caffeine, no alcohol and more exercise. Yeah right. I can't function without my bowl of coffee each morning. I don't drink a lot of alcohol now anyways since I'm still breastfeeding, so I don't see how taking away my one or two beers a week is going to help. And chasing after two kids isn't exercise enough? Mental note: ride your horse!

I'm sad that it's almost August. I had high hopes for this summer. I guess I can still dream, but most of my plans seem like pipe dreams now. I wanted a beach vacation, or a trip to someplace we've never been, but at this point, I'll settle for a camping trip. I just want to be away from home for about a week so I can face the coming winter here again. This past spring we were talking about moving, but things at Clint's work haven't panned out, so we're going to stay another year here. It was such a long, long winter here last year. This house is groaning at the seams, and Evie's condition and the uncooperative weather seemed to combine to test my mettle. A few times I thought it had beaten me, but I'll have to face it again this winter. I have a list of things to be done to combat it. I'm calling it my sanity list, because I need some kind of progress to feel like an entire season hasn't been wasted. Top of the list? New floors, livingroom furniture and a decent TV and French door for the gameroom. Not much, right? Not to mention upgrading the electric. I'm hoping to get the sanity list finished in August, since fall really is right around the corner.

Time Flies....

I've decided that life's messy. It's nothing like the baby product commercials, all placid and certainly not simple. I think it's finally sinking in that kids are always going to be a challenge. Just when they've struggled through one difficult phase, it's followed by an even more challenging one. Most days, I am able to accept that, and cope with my usual Irish aplomb. But some days I'm pulling my hair out (mostly it falls out on it's own!) So I decided that it's my blog, and if I can't be honest, I may as well not be writing. Besides, nobody is reading this anyway, not really. And I need to vent.

Today has been the culmination of hazards: frustration, disorganization and children.
I've been swimming uphill against a tide of dirty clothes and cluttered rooms, dirty dishes and cluttered thoughts, and I just looked up to find more of the same. I had to race to my daughter's school to switch the peanut butter & jelly sandwhich for a snack pack because I forgot there are kids there with nut allergies. I have a lunch date tomorrow that I'm almost dreading because I don't know what my 4 year old will behave like--a spoiled princess or a tyrannical T-Rex. I completely forgot my hair appointment last week and now my hair is a fuzzy mess--no thanks to the thousand degree weather and 1000% humidity. I feel like I'm wearing a steel wool wig. It's too hot to be outside unless you're swimming, but I don't know the first thing about the pool chemicals, and forget trying to inflate a 5ft blow up pool--it's got three rings! My 10 month old didn't get lunch until 2 pm today--she started screaming before I realized why--because I was too busy trying to catch up with everything else. She's now pulling the folded laundry from the basket....

But before I burst into tears wondering if I'm really this unhappy in life (okay, after I burst into tears), I remembered I forgot to take my B complex today. Because I think I'm perimenopausal. Actually I think I'm menoausal emotionally, which means I could either burst into tears or a rage if somebody looks at me wrong. Without the B vitamins, I've become a loose cannon. These days the dog never knows if he's going to get a pat on the head and a "poor Mr. Puppy Head," or a few choice words for tripping on my heels for his dinner. Is this what happens when your youth dries up?

Blanket on Her Head

In the past two weeks or so, Evie has just been stuffing the milestones under her belt. She cut both of her bottom teeth, started saying "dada," began pushing up on all fours, loves to stand from a sitting position, graduated to real foods (she won't eat strained foods anymore), and waves bye bye. I swear recently I heard her say "cow," and "cat." She's been babbling and doing rasberries, usually when she's eating, so food goes flying. She's so sweet and happy. I love when she wakes up in the morning. When I say good morning to her she kicks her legs as fast as they'll go and she'll give either a big excited hug, or a long soft cuddly hug.

At night she's too cute. She likes to sleep on her side, hugging the blanket, preferably with some part of it covering her face. For a baby with respiratory issues, that makes me nervous, so I'm always checking on her, moving it out of the way. I check on her before I go to bed, and she's almost always got her head pressed against the headboard. She wiggles herself up as she's gettting comfortable, then wakes up because she can't move up any more. I gently move her back to the center of the bed, and then remind Clint to move her back down again before he goes to bed, because she will move that way again in her quest to get the blanket over her head. :)

Glorious Spring

Spring is here--almost. The 2+ feet of snow is melted away and the crocuses are in bloom in the front garden. Soon the daffodils and tulips will show off their spring colors.

Maisey now has two weeks of school under her belt, and it's as if she hadn't missed a day. She wakes up at 6:30, is cooperating with the routine and is happy to go to school with her friends. We've spent almost every glorious spring-like day last week out and about, at the park, at a friend's for a playdate, shopping---freedom is glorious indeed!

The End of a Snowy Tunnel

How in the world did the women of centuries, even decades past, stay at home without being in constant contact with the outside world through television, computers, blackberries and iphones?

Even with all the modern conveniences of electronics, the past three weeks being stuck at home snowed in has tested my mettle. How did these women not go insane? What did they do to preserve their sanity? I longed to go to the mall; take my child to a playground or on a playdate; go for a mom's night out--I was even anxious to go grocery shopping--anything to have human contact again. Seems that Facebook, over 500 satelite tv channels, and the telephone just can't replace the real thing.

Part of the frustration of my snowy isolation was not being able to keep the house. Trash couldn't be lugged 100 yards in 2 feet of snow; recycling couldn't be driven to the center; groceries couldn't be bought. If things had gone wrong--as they did in various areas all over town--how would we cope? Several friends were without electricity for days. To be stuck at home AND suddenly transported back two centuries would have been too much.

I'm so thankful that finally my car was freed from its snowy prison this past Saturday. I got some well deserved time to myself to visit some friends at baby shower; to shop a little at a favorite store, and still have time for a quick errand before heading home. Its amazing what just a couple hours of free time can do for a stay at home mom's sanity.

Even better though, is that it's time for Maisey to return to preschool after a four month absence. Maisey will love seeing her friends again, going out and about, and learning. I will thoroughly enjoy some one-on-one time with Evie and getting into a routine. Now if I can fit in the yoga class, regular time with the horse, and maybe a date night or two, life would be ideal!

Adjustments

We're baffled by the ups and downs. Evie slept on oxygen all night, then she had a three hour nap today at 98-100. Even during her second "snooze" she was snoring in her bouncy chair at a respectable 97-98. So why when it's bedtime does she drop to 90-93? It's just deflating to go all day with such a feeling of accomplishment for her, thinking that maybe this is the day she'll go off the oxygen again, and then watch my hopes fall with her numbers. I guess I'm learning again about the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. But I still hope and pray that she improves.

Meanwhile, Maisey and I are about to go crazy in the house. She's gone about three months now without wearing clothes all day. I guess I'm getting lazy, knowing that we're not going anywhere. Why bother, I think, but I'm sure I'll regret not trying later. Now when she's cold, instead of putting her clothes on, she reaches for a blanket. How do I convince her to get dressed?

We really are learning how to cope being at home, and in rebuilding our bond that seemed to fall apart when Evie was born. I'm trying to set aside as much play time with her as possible--whenever Evie is content or sleeping, so that Maisey gets her fair share too. In part it's possible because a routine is finally emerging; Evie's sleeping and eating more regularly, and I'm figuring out how and when to snatch time to do dishes, cook, clean, and relax. I have decided that the house will be a disaster area most days, because it's more important to spend that time with the girls. And I can see the improvement already. But we're not there yet. I feel like we have a few steps to get back to where we were before Evie was born. It was such a hard time, no one could have prepared us for it, and I just wish I could have done better. Maisey still causes mischief--more from being cooped up or bored than anything, but we're both adjusting. She's been asking to go somewhere a lot lately--a sign I think that being at home all the time is starting to get old. But with Evie's condition improving much more slowly, and the nearly two feet of snow outside, we're not planning on going anywhere anytime soon.

Milestones

She did it! She rolled over--both ways from her belly to her back. I was so excited to see it. I had been waiting for this moment for a couple of weeks, wondering if she would even do it. Most of the time on her belly Evelyn spends crying--or more often--yelling in discomfort, so we don't spent a lot of time in that position. Just a few minutes every day. I suppose if lying on her belly were comfortable she'd just put down her head and take a nap.

Rolling over is one of many milestones I'll be marking over the years, but it's one of my favorites. It's like she's realizing there's a whole new world out there. She rolls over--ah, what's this? Mommy's face, and a new view. Okay, I'm smiling. Then she spits up. Hard work, rolling over.

This day was also a milestone in her lungs. After the rollover workout, she slept over three hours without oxygen at a steady 98. Awesome! I had time to build block castles with Maisey, play princesses, and make a snack for us both. All the while checking her monitor every 10 minutes to that same beautiful number: 98. She slept like a normal baby. My day felt almost normal.

The Two Step

Evelyn's echocardiogram yesterday showed that her pressures were back to where they were before we weaned her. So this cold has set her back to square one, basically, despite seeing improvements today. Even yesterday, for example, as with the previous week, the moment she fell asleep her O2 levels dropped with her heart rate. But today, they hung in the high nineties, then mid nineties before slowly declining to the point at which I know I need to put the canula back on. So she still requires the O2 to sleep, but today so far and yesterday too, her saturations have been good when she's awake, albeit with a slightly elevated heart rate.

The doctor thinks this is a temporary condition of the cold and will improve, and we'll be able to wean her back off the oxygen again. But it's worrisome that even a cold--which didn't dampen her spirits or do much to alter her health or temperament in any other way--can silently wreak such havoc on her health, and her parents' nerves.

This is going to be a long winter indeed.

The Slow Dance to Health

It seems like every step forward in progress we make, there are always two steps back. Evelyn has had a cold now for about two weeks, and since last weekend we've had to put her back on oxygen while she sleeps because her saturation levels just keep dropping too low. Her cough has gotten worse last week, and yesterday I heard a lot of noise in her chest when she breathed, and when she coughed it sounded horrible. We called the neonatologist to update her (we called last week when the cold started) and they want to see her tomorrow to see how she's doing and to prevent this from getting worse--to rule out pneumonia.

Evelyn seems fine in every other way. She sleeps well (except for a few coughing spells), has good color and temperature, and seems to be her happy self when she's awake. I'm really curious to know if something else is going on here.

Keeping her monitored has been a challenge too. She's getting much too squirmy and dextrous with her hands to wear the cannula. She still wears the pulse oximeter probe on her foot, and at night she's been wearing the apnea monitor as well. So it seems we're back where we were when we brought her home three months ago.

Cordless Baby!

I got my Christmas wish for a cordless baby! Evie's been off oxygen since Friday December 18, and is doing great. Her last echocardiogram was normal; actually the doctor said her pressures were low, and that was great news, but we're being cautious about sending Maisey back to preschool in cold & flu season. On the one hand, I'm anxious to send her back because I think she needs the social interaction, I could use the break, and Evie could certainly do with a few hours of one-on-one, older sibling jealousy-free mommy time each morning. On the other hand, I'm afraid to send her back because as her first year of preschool, she'll be bringing home all manner of germs. It seems at least one kid out of eight is sick with something, and we know how kids are.

The irony is though, that Evelyn caught a cold anyway. I can't say where for sure, but it could have been any of us. Her cough sounds horrible, but her O2 levels have been pretty good, with the exception of two nights last weekend. We put her back on O2 overnight then and she snapped out of it. It seemed that whenever she fell asleep, her oxygen levels dropped along with her heart rate. And since we wanted her to rest while she slept--and her heart was unlikely to do that working to keep her O2 levels up--we thought the oxygen would help prevent her heart from working too hard. So far so good. The cough seems to get a little worse in the evening, but she's still maintaining good O2 levels. It's just a matter of letting the cold take its course, now, and building tolerance against future germs.